This is hard for me to write, so I'm sorry in advance if it seems a little scattered brained and doesn't make sense, but i posted a status on Facebook last night saying that I was feeling sad. I just need to let my feelings out and just let everyone know that I am okay.
So last night we were in bed and Jude brought his Curious George doll with him. He was hugging, kissing and cuddling him like he was a little baby. It seriously the cutest thing I have ever seen. He is so sensitive to other people and even his little George and I felt happy for the moment. and then my happiness turned into sadness. I thought to myself wow how cute he thinks George is a baby, oh but he probably won't have a baby of is own in the future. and for one of the first times, in a long time, I went back to that place where I haven't really been since Jude was born. I went back to this place of mourning. Mourning the future that I thought my precious baby would have, to fall in love get married and have a family with little babies. and right now my heart just hurts for him. I just can't get over that he might not know that unconditional love that I feel for both of my kids. that bond that cannot be broken by anything. Just that feeling like wow I cannot believe I created something so precious, pure and beautiful.
And I know that even Noah might not even be able to have children of his own, because who truly knows what the future holds, but he will have other options to consider like adopting and he will have that bond with that other little person. but with Jude he will not be able to do that. and i know that me being sad about Jude's future is being selfish because those are my dreams that i want for him and he might not want the same dreams as me but i cannot help and feel pain right now.
my precious baby Jude, I am so sorry that your life is not the easiest road to be on, and i hope that you never feel like you are missing out on something like have children. and if you do I am so sorry and i wish i could take away your pain. I know that the future is not certain for anyone but i truly hope that you find something that truly makes you feel alive and you never have to feel like there is anything different about you. you are the my most precious gift and i am so blessed that you are here, my world is so beautiful because you are in it. and I love you so much. I will always be here for you and i hope you never have to feel an ounce of sadness